haven’t yet
for clarinet in b-flat, violin, viola, and cello
(2019), 7-10’
premiered by Nick Photinos and BoaC Festival Fellows, Mass MoCA
haven’t yet is a deeply personal work for me about relationships, thought life, and patience. For myself and many other queer people, the kind of relationships and openness cisgender, straight people experience is often delayed (if we’re lucky to experience it at all). There is a pervasive feeling of being behind, having such formative experiences occur later in life. Yet it is difficult to convey these circumstances in a meaningful way to those in more relationally privileged positions.
This piece is about how the longing to find that “someone,” even if you have never met, can quickly turn toward negativity and doubt. In our most vulnerable spaces, insecurities can take over and sometimes it is hard to come down from that ledge. I have felt this. Yet we cannot remain in these space, trusting that what hasn’t already occurred does not mean it won’t in the future.